Les Aventures De Léna Léna

Drunken Buddy Read with Kate.

Set up: We purchase what we hope will be a craptastic m/m book, choose our poison and start reading at the same time, while commenting on a sekrit goodreads thread.

The next day we correct typos.  

Kate
Um yeah. So more unhealthy living brought to you by Kate and Marleen. 

Estimated start: 1900 hrs PDT 

LenaLena
Do as we say, not as we do! 

Stay tuned for a passionate commentary on Woobie And The 3 Werewolves (featuring mpreg)!

Kate
Okay, I drank half a glass of wine to get started. I think I'm going to need a head start with this *mutters*. Fucking mpreg shit.

On to page 1 

Kate
What are gammas? Is this something I should know about ABO that I don't? 

Kate

Using "floor" when you mean "ground" is confusing. It's going to be a lonnnnggggg night. 

*has another drink* 

LenaLena
Whoa! Hold your horses! I am here. Just had to fix an issue withe the bluetooth keyboard. Starting..... now! 

LenaLena
Maybe gammas are betas?

Kate
Gamma comes after beta in every Greek alphabet I've ever seen. 
 
Kate
“As the wolves circled, and brought with them their familiar stench, Aden’s head echoed with his mother’s entreaties to run and his father’s pleas to the alpha to spare him. It had done no good, and if he’d known their blood would have been sacrificed to mark the start of the hunt, he would have done his best to stop them saying anything. At least he would have been spared the sight of the alpha and his gammas ripping their flesh as they were butchered.”

Poor woobie. But what luscious dramatic prose. My heart is palpitating. Hah. I even spelt that right. 

LenaLena
You spelled that right. Ergo, you aren't drunk enough. 

Kate
Clearly one can't be drunk enough to read this one. *refills glass* 

LenaLena
Dizziness, pain AND hopelessness. Poor Woobie. 

Kate
“His jet black hair fell over his smooth, tanned face, and he was huge, at least six foot five—hell the man’s body was nearly the width of the tree trunk he leaned against, his shirt material straining against his biceps as he casually crossed his arms.”

Posted without further comment. 

LenaLena
Bow Chicka Wow Wow. There comes the Alpha! 

Kate
Oh yes. The crushing disappointment of clothed humans. 

LenaLena
It's crushing my very soul, don'chaknow. 

LenaLena
Oh more crushing! Now it's hope. 

Kate
Yes. Crushingly crushed

Kate
Oh noble woobie! 

LenaLena
Don't be frightened, little woobie. Your big man is here! 

Kate
More alphas. A gold and a silver one. Stately handsome ones. Not old gnarly icky ones.

LenaLena
Duh. Nobody writes books about old gnarly icky ones.

Kate
“Pack wolves couldn't howl. Howls from the pack were almost scratchy as if they'd lost their power.”

Srsly? This is what we're going with? Howl strength? 

Kate
Lemon scented wolves no less. they must have been in the furniture polish again. 

Kate
Sensuously licking blood off his paws? And it make Aden all shivery. :S

LenaLena
Such focus on the blood licking! No wonder he has wet his panties.

LenaLena
Crushed wrist! 

Kate
Wolf licked it all better. But he can't stand up any more. All the pride that would let him do so has been crushed out of him. 

Poor poor woobie.

Kate
Stripped, beaten and tortured for no reason. Just because. Woe, woe, woe. *haz sad for woobie*

LenaLena
Just because he's an omega that can't shift! Nasty racist werewolves.

Kate
Mean!

Kate
“Richard’s head rolled away from his body, his unseeing eyes staring heavenward, a fat pink tongue extending from his mouth, following the gasp he made as his life ended. The stench was incredible, as if the Alpha had died and rotted before he ever lost his life.”

OMG. This is too much. Shall we guess the age of the author. I'm saying no more than 16.

LenaLena
Wow. Immediate decomposition. Another Alpha power. Or is that only because they had scratchy howls? 

Oh you are wrong. I saw her author pic on Amazon. She is about our age.

Kate
No. way. Noway.

LenaLena
Way.

http://smile.amazon.com/Victoria-Sue/e/B00OSTTZ0K/ref=sr_tc_2_0?qid=1442081322&sr=1-2-ent

LenaLena
Well, we made it through chapter 1! 

Kate
More lemon smells. 

LenaLena
Must be California. 

Kate
ZOMG. Naked man to be drooled over. Never mind we are beaten and starving, beautiful naked men come first. 

LenaLena
Bacon or muscles. It's a hard choice when you're literally starving.
 
Kate
Oh no, surrounded by desolation and misery when the guy pulls his hand away from his face. The burning! The awful ache! Being an omega must truly suck.

LenaLena
Ridiculous tears! So lonely with only one beautiful naked man!

Kate
LenaLena wrote: "Bacon or muscles. It's a hard choice when you're literally starving."

I'm going with bacon, no contest. 

My kindle says 5 more hours. I'm commenting too much and reading too slow. This could be an all nighter.

Kate
Oh God I looked at her photo. My faith in humanity is ruined. No adult should be this stupid.

LenaLena
Told ya!

Yeah, we are going to have to buck up and only comment on the most ridiculous stuff or we'll be here till morning.

Kate
I had to go to the kitchen for a refill. Some nameless man thinks walking back and forth to the booze will somehow limit my consumption so he appropriated the bottle. Stinker.

LenaLena
More sobbing!

Oops. Broke my own rule already.

Kate
It's all, ALL ridiculous stuff. And he's not even pregnant yet!!!

LenaLena
No, but he has altready met his mate. Moving along nicely *nods*

Kate
More sobbing. Woobie is an emotional wreck.

Kate
Blaze. Nice wolfy name. Sounds like a horse.

LenaLena
A horse with a harem of mates! Mares, mates, same thing.

Kate
Yeah really close. One little finger wiggle apart on the keyboard.

LenaLena
I actually typo'd it as mares first. 

Kate
Oh hand-feeding. Check one of the "have to" D/s boxes. True submissives are always hand fed.

LenaLena
While being cradled against big rumbly chests.

Kate
Rumbly chests are the best.

LenaLena
My husband only has a rumbly chest when he has a cold. And he don't want me leaning on him then. *pout*

Kate
Now my kindle says 7 hours. This is known as going the wrong direction.

Although.

We could do some this weekend and some next. Just to drag the pain out as long as possible.

LenaLena
I only have 5 hr 45 min! Still too much. Let's see how far we get tonight.

Kate
Criticizing grammar and sentence construction seems like piling on, but this?

“Blaze helped him lower a soft pair of shorts down he hadn’t realized he was wearing, and sat him down.”

*shudder* 

LenaLena
Are those like the blue shorts in I, Omega, you think?

Kate
Yes! Baby blue boy shorts! I'd forgotten those.

LenaLena
Oh, shame on you! How could you forget the humiliating shorts!​?

Gotta get a refill....

Kate
Oh noes the misery has returned. He has to bury his head (somewhere) and hide before this lovely respite in his awful life is ripped away.

Kate
The chest is rumbling again.

LenaLena
Must be a really bad cold.

LenaLena
More stunning menz!

Kate
Smooth ebony skin with silver hair. Hey lookee it's an IRR? Check another diversity box.

LenaLena
Conner's name should have been Meyer. So she could stop mentioning the lemon smell.

Kate
Oh no. Omega taking in and diffusing emotions trope. Not well intro'd.

Kate
Bad guy has green eyes. That's new. Green eyes are usually alpha. Author has an original thought.

But he has pock marks, so that tells us he's pretty evil. Cancel the original thingee.

LenaLena
Except Loki has green eyes too. He's pretty, though.

LenaLena
More tears cuz he already luvs Meyer!

LenaLena
How can anyone love pathetic ugly old me?!?! 

Kate
I don't know ow ow wo wo. 

Meyer is a GREAT name.

Kate
Throbbing alpha power. @@

LenaLena
Redudes me to a puddle of desperate need every time.
Can't be helped.

Kate
True. There is no resisting it.

Kate
THREE beeyyoootiful mates. What omega could ask for more. 
 
LenaLena
Four? He could ask for four beautiful mates? Or five. Or seventeen? 

Really, why stop at three?

Kate
The throb makes his body pulse. Yin/Yang. What can you do? It's beyond his control.

LenaLena
Well, whaddayaknow. The evil wolf pack are homophobes. 
So surprised.

Kate
Yeah, shocked. Not obvious or anything. They're bad guys, and in m/m bad guys are always homophobes. Or homophones which is what I typed first. 

Kate
No, they didn't fall in insta-love with him because… He ISN'T actually an omega….he's a gay HUMAN with an inner wolf. Just what every shifter wolf wants.

WTF?

Have I drunk too much already? This isn't making lots of sense to me.

LenaLena
I am still waiting for the explanation of how he isn't an omega, but still a wolf something. 

I paid for an ABO godammit. If there are no omegas I want my money back!

Kate
No betas either. We wuz robbed!

Kate
Psi? Psi???!!! Are we just pulling random fucking letters out of the alphabet here? JHFC

LenaLena
And just telling me he is another random letter from the Greek alphabet is not going to do it for me!

LenaLena
$5 says Chapter 4 is going to be one big infodump.

Kate
No takers. Skimming

Kate
Yep. This is where we explain all the world building instead of actually, you know, world building.

LenaLena
We can skip it altogether and see if things still make sense?

Kate
“Legends go that if mankind turns its back on this final effort, humans will be wiped from the face of the earth.” 

Aden opened his eyes wide. “That’s what you are doing?” He gulped.

You can turn your back on such portentous drama?

LenaLena
It'd be a sacrifice. But one I am willing to make for the sake of my blood alcohol level.

LenaLena
Shouldn't the godess's name be Siria? 

Kate
No silly. Because Dog Star =/= Siria. She is trying to use actual fact stuff here, not made up stuff. We need to admire her research.

LenaLena
Obviously, the research didn't include a study of Latin.

Kate
Aha. An alpha triad can only form Orion's circle when they have the fourth. The fourth has to be super special. Unheard of. It is….ADEN.

Now we can go to the next chapter. We have the key piece of info!!

LenaLena
Yeah, like that was hard to deduce @.@

LenaLena
Psi is uber-omega! But first we must boink to activate psi-powers!

Kate
Except that he is an omega, only not just an omega because psi's are stronger than omegas, and mating with the three alphas will make him a psi. so I guess at this point he's an omega cuz he hasn't mated. Except that Blaze said he wasn't one. *so damn confused. Need more drink*

Kate
I object to the abuse of the greek alphabet in this. Formal objection filed with the courts.

LenaLena
That, and the fucking up of Latin.

Oh noes! Poor Darric has been sexually abused!

Kate
Huh? Why bring in pedophiles?

Kate
Woobie alphas i guess.

All woobies. All of them.

LenaLena
Ok, we shoudl call it Woobie and the three Alpha Woobies (featuring Mpreg).

Kate
I'm pretty sure we've mentioned tomorrow's meeting with Jefferson pack before. For exactly the same reason--not shifting. This is bad enough without redundant redundancies.

And yes we can file objections for crappy Latin too.

Kate
I have seen no hints of mpreg. I'm thinking false advertising.

No sex even. At least I, Omega had a sex scene that lasted most of the first quarter of the book. *cheated* With magic spunk that bound the omega to the alpha.

We need magic spunk.

LenaLena
I am not worthyyyyyyyy!!!!! This is stuck in self flagellation.

I, Omega had BUCKETS of magic spunk! *reminisces fondly*

Kate
Ahh. We will have Aden woobie's consent. Even though he is powerless to his attraction. I am not sure consent means what this author thinks it means.

LenaLena
Well. Apparently he has nine days to find a backbone.

LenaLena
He smells something delicious and it isn't a man. Harhar.

Kate
He made Darric cry and he hated, HATED that he did that so he cried too.

LenaLena
Many manly tears. Always a sign of quality literature.

LenaLena
Excuse you? You've cried at least three times already in the space of a day. What is this 'really long time since you last cried' you speak of?

LenaLena
Since when do closed eyes prevent crying, you crybaby?

Kate
Oh yeah! Multiple orgasms. Being a chick with a dick…er an omega-psi, I mean… is so awesome.

Is it me or is this sex scene a little luridly purple?

LenaLena
Whoa, you're getting ahead!

Kate
This is actually fricking boring. Starting Ch. 6 and nothing really has happened except woobie rescue and psi bonding. And crying.

The answer is? More to drink!

LenaLena
How is he teasing a rock hard shaft to hardness? Wasn't it already hard?

Kate
You are over thinking this.

LenaLena
Either that, or someone's editor snoozed through the sex scene. Not that I blame them.

Kate
"opulent space" Must be billionaire alphas. Another box checked.

Kate
So why do they need Aden to channel emotions when empath lemon-Conner can?

LenaLena
I have spotted women! As servants, of course. Check another box?

Kate
Yes servant-y women are an m/m check mark.

LenaLena
Getting a little tired of all the cuddling.

Kate
And MOAR picking up and cuddling. Aden is sort of their snuggle pet. Although people who do that with pets drive me crazy.

LenaLena
Um. Didn't Meyer just explain he couldn't hear their thoughts yet because of an incomplte bond? And now he is talking in Woobie's head?

Kate
Ooh condescending bitch. Every m/m needs a bitchy female. Check.

LenaLena
UNATTRACTIVE bitchy female. Double check!

Kate
"scales heaved emptily for water" I have read that 3 tmes and it still doesn't make sense, fuck it.

LenaLena
She means gills. Move on, for god's sake, or we'll never finish this.

Kate
Oh bad guy gubmint military bitch bureaucrat. So much bad guy-ness in one place is hard to beat--author talent at its finest.

The coyotes are yipping outside. Even they are amused by this catastrophe of a book.

Kate
Self appointed werewolf council for all of north america. Self aggrandizing dictators, much?

Kate
Pshaw. They've been chsen by the goddess, you unbeliever!

LenaLena
American Werewolf ISIS is thoroughly benevolent!

LenaLena
Woobie is going to start a teen center! Yay, Woobie!
Kate
Day care!

LenaLena
Let's fill 'er up with babbies!

LenaLena
Jefferson has betas. Then who the fuck are the gammas? So confused!

Kate
Oh no. They are channeling Tony Stark. They invested in something immoral, but they fixed it by turning the ammunitions factory into a school!

Is there a sentimental, stupid trope she hasn't borrrowed yet? I'm sure we can find more.

Onward!

LenaLena
Leave my Tony out of this. Your sullying his name by association.

Kate
Awwww. Kidlets are so adorbs.

Barf.

Kate
Bored. boooorrrrrrred! Can we skim? Maybe read every other chapter or something??

*whiny Kate is whining*

LenaLena
Why do I always have the be the grown up in these endeavors and insist we read on?

LenaLena
'Never argue with a female" Hello casual misogyny.

Kate
I saw that and did an eyeroll. Mostly because it is such an overused cliche.

Tony would take care of these so called werewolf leaders of NA in about one pass of Ironman's lasers. Maybe he would let Steve help. This would be a much better Stony fic than ABO werewolfs without BO fic. And they have no BO because lemons.

More wine.

Kate
LenaLena wrote: "Why do I always have the be the grown up in these endeavors and insist we read on?"

Because you are Coulson and I am Clint and I'm borrrrred. I have the attention span of a gnat and it gets shorter when I'm drinking.

LenaLena
Stop trying to turn this into a Stony fic! That is an insult to Stony fics. 

Hey, look, they are 600 years old. That's interesting, right? Right?

Kate
613 yo? Why? Why is that even necessary?

LenaLena
Oh joy. More lap sitting and cuddling.

Kate
Wait. Wait wait wait wait. Wait.

The werewolfies are supposed to wipe out humans if humans don't reconnect with the werewolf godhead or something. But now werewolves are responsible for protecting all of humanity and bringing them desperately needed balance. Because of al qaeda or whatever. 

I am not following the logic trail here.

LenaLena
There is no logic trail! It's just foreplay for the next sex scene. Lust slamming through bodies and all that. Move on. 

Kate
Thumbing away more tears. There are lots of tears here. Very cry-ful werewolves.

LenaLena
Have we filled a swimming pool yet? 

Kate
Also more small desperate sounds in the back of his throat. He does that a lot too.

LenaLena
We can't fuck you hard, because you are still a healing woobie, Woobie.

Kate
Oh God. "Mine" How many checks for that? At least 3.

LenaLena
Yours
Double check.

And consenting consent again. Triple.

Kate
4.5 hours left in this book. Not gonna make it.

LenaLena
I only have 2 hours left. Did you accidentally buy the omnibus?

Kate
"The pain in his cock suddenly molded into something else."

Huh? Like play doh or something? Or a sound? Whoa. Maybe they're getting kinky. 

Kate
Ah. Delirious need will overcome pain. Every time.

Kate
And a "baby" endearment. Check.

LenaLena
If we don't get double penetration at least once in this book I am asking my money back.

What's the point of having three mates if not for that?

Kate
No dp in this scene? I thought it was leading up to triple penetration, but I couldn't figure out the logistics of arranging 4 bodies.

Kate
Uh oh. Two fingers are hurty. This isn't going far.

LenaLena
Ah, the pain! A true deflowering of the virgin!

Kate
Yes! But it was beeootiful. Aden says so.

LenaLena
Aaaaaaand..... more cuddling.

LenaLena
With chesty rumbles.

Kate
Snuggling. Again! *disgusted*

Kate
Post coitus interruptus. Or maybe further-coitus interruptus. Or something like that.

LenaLena
Oh! Oh! The cute potbelly! I sense foreshadowing of the mpreg!

Kate
How sweet. Holding Aden's hand for reassurance. :/

LenaLena
Oh god, dumbass omega goes out by himself. It's like he's never read I, Omega.

Kate
Or any other tstl book.

Kate
You are kidding me, right? This obvious plot device, so tired a cliche it ought to be permenantly retired, isn't where we are going here?

LenaLena
It isn't his fault, he was roofied! Poor Woobie!

Kate
Poor trusting woobie. Poor, poor, woobie. And poor, poor alphas. *pets them all* 

LenaLena
Poor evil wolves too! So ignorant and unbelieving they can't help evilling!

Kate
Oh oh. Another meanie homophobe. Poor betrayed woobie.

Kate
Oh now orion's circle is going to save mankind. Wipe out, balance, save, all same same.

Kate
So they grabbed him so they could hunt him again? I'm missing a big chunk of something called reason here.

Unless it's just evilly evilness. That would explain things.

LenaLena
Yeah and then beat him and starve him again, because that worked so well for the first hunt.

Kate
And beat him until he can't stand, then blackmail him with the life of his friend and it's insta noble woobie again. But at this point how could he even move? 

I hate things that make less than no sense. Negative sense. This is sucking brain cells out of my head.

Kate
Hey it's a tracker! Like the RC chip in I,Omega. Check!

LenaLena
Genital mutilation. That's new.

LenaLena
Like a true heartbroken woobie he is now refusing all food and drink. 

Kate
No, no, no you stupid wolf. Draw it UP your arm. Can't you even kill yourself properly?

LenaLena
You are still at the first suicide attempt. Read faster!

LenaLena
Woobie crying again.

LenaLena
And again!

LenaLena
And again!

Kate
I'm sorry. I drifted off to the internet for a minute or two. I will catch up. Pwomise.

Kate
So Craig had betas? What? and why aren't his gammas dead. And I'm still confused about the evilly evil and what was the whole point. 

But hurt/comfort! And damaged weenie! And tears! Blargh.

LenaLena
Hey! Guess what?! 

More crying!

It's awesome.

Kate

>:(

LenaLena
And now.... Now we're crying in hysterical grief!

LenaLena
Woobie obviously had to tell the Alphas Three to stay out of his head, or else the author would not have been able to work in the miscommunication trope. And what is a romance novel without miscommunication? Huh?

LenaLena
Oooh, vomiting. He must be preggers already. Because that's always the first sign.

Kate
God. So much self pity. I'm drowning in it.

Kate
Oooo. Big ugly faced cry. We needed more tears. 

LenaLena
Only a few paragraphs to the hysterical crying. Just fyi.

LenaLena
Oops. Sorry for the spoiler. My bad.

Kate
Did you notice that "dick" in the first scene where he got hard was replaced by cock and has been cock ever since. 

I'm guessing it was a beta comment and it only got applied the first time the beta reader made it.

LenaLena
Wow. You must be way more sober and awake than me. I'm not functioning that level anymore. 

Kate
Hey. I just got to the morning sickness part. Best thing? I now have only 20 min left. I can do it!

LenaLena
How come I still have 44 min? This book is fucking with the time space continuum!

Kate
So humans knew all about werewolves in 1917 but forgot about them by the 21st century. How would that work, exactly?

LenaLena
Beats me. I skimmed that shit. Way too deep for me at this point in the proceedings.

Kate
So the doctor is still alive for reasons of author-stupid and we are reading this because…why are we reading this? Are we masochists? This even hurts when I'm drunk.

LenaLena
Oh now the bitch is getting told off by a room full of men. Reader is supposed to rejoice. Awkwardly casual misoyny of m/m writers strikes again.

Kate
Exactly. The misogyny is worst among women writers, too. 

LenaLena
Blablabla negotiations blblablabla. Zzzzzzzzz.

Kate
skimmity skim skim skim. this military yak yak blah blah is stupid.

Kate
He's all tired too. Def preggers.

LenaLena
Yes! Remember Texas Jory's narcolepsy?

Kate
Yes, you were insisting it was Texas Jory mpreg BUT IT DIDN'T EVER HAPPEN. So disappointing.

Also, Aden suddenly like bananas. We are being overwhelmed by teh clue here.

LenaLena
Shhhh. She's being very subtle. Don't spoil it!

LenaLena
Oh, I thought Aden had erectile dysfunction and that was the reason he was wallowing in despair. Apparently not.

Kate
Me too. I guess it's just the scars.

LenaLena
Must be magic dick healing. I swear he insinuated he had no more sensation 'down there'.

Kate
Insinuated nothing. He ran his hand over his dick and couldn't feel it.

LenaLena
Ok, insinuated he couldn't get it up, then.

LenaLena
Jesus, I only just got to the bananas. How did I fall behind again?! You filthy skimmer!

LenaLena
Now there is a genetic experiment lab cloak and dagger Mengele subplot?!

*head hurts*

Kate
Registration for all wolf shifters. Aha! stolen from either the X-men mutant registration or the Civil War superhero registration. Another check.

Kate
More tears. Streaming tears.

LenaLena
Visions from the Goddess. Check.

Kate
Now a visit from the goddess. Why not. Everything else is in this shitty book.

LenaLena
Yeah. Divine do over. Always a winner.

Kate
Osiris? We're dragging in the Egyptians now?!!!! I give up.

LenaLena
Come one, we already had Greek and Latin, what's a little Egyptian among friends?

LenaLena
And woobie passes out again. That's twice in an hour. That can't be good for the baby.

Kate
I guess we had to work in the corporate greed angle. It was definitely a missing piece. *eyeroll*

Kate
Yay! Epilogue!! We're done!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LenaLena
Oh look! Woobie is pregnant! What a surprise!

LenaLena
Heyyyyyyy, another tear...
Damn pregnancy hormones!

LenaLena
OH Jesus Fuck. He STILL doesn't believe they want him? How fucking stupid can you GET?!?

Kate
He's not going to stay where he isn't valued. He's just going to leave and go off and cry in peace. They'll all be sorry then!

Fuck this book and this idiot. Sideways. At least 3 times.

LenaLena
OK, all this blithering idiocy, but only two real sex scenes and NO double penetration. What a waste.

Kate
Oh, see? Omegas have always been powerful same sex consorts. Throughout history even. LGBT for the win!

This is the lamest mpreg, ever. Ever, ever.

LenaLena
In the history of Ever.

Is the sequel out yet?

Kate
Broken Circle. You are on your own.

LenaLena
Oh, come on! How about next week?

(Not even if you paid me)

LenaLena
Goodnight dahlink. Sweet werewolf dreams!

Kate
You too, babe. This one was epically bad. Great choice!

LenaLena
I'm counting on Amazon togive me some good recs for the next one based on this purchase.!